Who does this remind you of?

I love you my little bug, go get ‘em.

Now, if they have the pregnant chicks stop smoking…I’m out.

Poop-ed...

After one week back at daycare, getting up early and not resting for ONE MINUTE ALL DAY LONG ESPECIALLY HER MOUTH, Josie’s behavior resembles this:

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE ME A STRING CHEESE, BITCH!

Meanwhile, my oblivious husband sits in his man room looking something like this:

"We're down 6 games but hopefully we can hang on the wild card, isn't that great hunny?"

Which only makes me feel like a bit more like this:

"Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now!"

I already need a vacation…..

annoyingly happy party ponies become the most colorful

in the history of the world. 

And I would finally be vindicated for the hours my life I have lost to those devilish, plastic equines.  And I don’t even care how un-pc my anti-pony stance is.  So if I loose my membership card to the Liberals Bleeding Hearts of America club, so be it.  It would be worth it.

Fo’ Sho’

You probably need some background knowledge to understand why I would be so incredibly shocked that my daughter would actually eat everything on her plate.  I mean, after all, it’s eating!  Most of us struggle to NOT eat everything on our plate.  But my daughter, is, how can I put this lightly…..THE PICKIEST EATER ON THE PLANET.  Seriously, she eats less then Kate Moss.  So far, she has managed to survive four years subsisting on white toast and string cheese.  And even with those palate tempting meals, she will only eat four or five five bites.  But this summer, while Your Average Mom was home on summer break, I decided to wage war against my daughter’s eating habits.  My tactics resembled our ex-Presidents: shock and awe.  One battle lasted four hours as I refused to let Josie get up until she ate all of her peanut butter toast.  Did you read that closely?  FOUR HOURS!  I dare say my daughter is almost as stubborn as her mother.. ALMOST!  I say that because she did eventually finish her toast, which ultimately makes me the victor.  Um, I think.

I dare say my hard work, patience and not-so-veiled threats might have finally paid off…..I mean, there was BROCCOLI on that plate, and it is now gone.  Prepare to start dodging fire from the sky, my friends….mark my words, the end is near…..

1. 

   She looks cute, but that head will be spinning soon!

It is from my father that I learned, or am genetically pre-disposed to, my love of Kentucky Bourbon Whiskey.  I have fond memories of evenings around a campfire eating Bourbon Balls that my father’s friends would bring on our camping outings, of the smell of Henry McKenna on his breath when he kissed me good night and of the marinated cherry he would let me have when his drink was finally empty. Ironically, this is also my daughter’s favorite treat as well….hmmm…..

I will start by sharing with you all the family secret recipe that has been passed through one whole generation….from my father to me, then fill you in one other variations which you could possibly end up with when ordering an old fashioned, thereby completely ruining the rest of your evening. 

First off, The Your Average Mom’s Dad’s Old Fashioned. 

Start with one Old Fashioned Glass Now, the shape pf the glass is important, the bottom should be open, not narrow, as that will impede your muddling maneuvers later on.  Also, a nice heavy glass just feels good in the hand….

In your old fashioned glass, you place a round slice of lemon, of orange and a maraschino cherry, a little less then a teaspoon of dark brown sugar, a dash of Angostura Bitters.  We have experimented with different types and producers of bitters, but have always found that the best choice was the old standby produced by Angostura who get their bitters from Trinidad and Tobago.  Once you master the recipe, feel free to experiment! 

Once your hardware is in your glass, you will need a cocktail muddler.  With your muddler, you mash all the above ingredients together.  This is a key step and you shouldn’t be too hasty in your muddling.  Take your time, get out all the juice and citrus oils from the fruit and allow the sugar to dissolve in the fruit juice.

Once you have muddled your ingredients into a nice pulp, fill your glass with ice cubes.  If I have the luxury of crushed ice, I prefer that but honestly, I don’t have an ice machine in my fridge and usually I am just too impatient to crush the ice myself! 

After the glass is full, fill it with Jim Beam Kentucky Bourbon Whiskey.  My father and I disagree as to the best bourbon for the job.  I prefer Jim Beam, as it is a bit sweeter and smoother, but my father prefers Henry McKenna.  You can feel free to try both and choose the one you like best,  but if it’s not Jim Beam then you have tastebuds made of plastic that’s okay.  Don’t be fooled by the pricier bourbons either (I’m looking at you! Maker’s Mark with your fancy wax cork!!).  I’ve tried many varietals and the only one that is as close to as delicious as Jim Beam is Booker’s. 

Now, stir. Ta da!  You’ve just made the N****n Old Fashioned!  Congratulations!  Now sit back, turn on the PGA Tour, kick your feet up and enjoy your Old Fashioned as my father and I would….

As far things to be careful for when ordering your Old Fashioned:

1. Water, soda or otherwise.  This will water down the flavor of the bourbon and KILL this drink.  Just don’t do it.  Ever.  Seriously, I’ll find you and remove your bourbon from that unsafe environment.

2. Any kind of whiskey other then Bourbon.  This drink simply is incompatible with most whiskeys, especially a scotch.  Bleh!  Always make certain to order a Bourbon Old Fashioned because even though the recipe specifies bourbon, many bartenders are unfamiliar with this recipe and might screw it up. 

With this information I send thee forth to test the waters (NOT IN THE OLD FASHIONED!!) of the classic Old Fashioned Cocktail.  Next time your faced with a drink order, I reccomend passing on that fruity girlie drink and order a cocktail that has been around for over 100 years.

Good Old Fashioned:                        Notice the dark color of the Bourbon, and lots of ice….

Bad Old Fashioned:      The color is all wrong and there is FOAM?!?!  This is indictative of a cocktail made wth soda water = crappy Old Fashioned. Run away…run far, far away.

Cheers!

DO: Harry Connick Jr. as Sgt, Clay Busby the Tailgunner for the Memphis Belle.  As historically incorrect as this film was, it was the movie that made me first research ANYTHING about history on my own and as a result I became incredibly passionate about history, WWII especially.  His slow southern drawl, amazingly hot version of “Danny Boy” and willingness to help out a friend (even though it resulted in another Allied plane getting shot down) has always left a soft spot in my heart for Harry… but the character in that Hollywood-ized (yea, I just made that word up) film also always spoke to me.  Triumphant over difficult circumstances (not TRULY as difficult as portrayed, after all the Memphis never had much more then a scratch in 25 missions but dudes, any bombing mission, especially in daylight, was very dangerous) but Harry, and Clay, always stuck with me.  However, since he is a actor portraying a real person, I can’t be beholden to him for life.  Though the chance to listen to him sing, even for one night, would be a dream come true….

It’s a bad picture of him in uniform but here’s a better of my HCJ…

Plus, I do LOVE that forties slicked back Vital-is hair, so sexy!!!

DUMP: This seems obvious but I’m going with it anyways…. Joesph Stalin, or Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili.  A tyrant of the worst kind, “Uncle Joe ” (as we sold him  in US propaganda) killed between 3 and 60 million people during his rule, depending on your source.  It’s virtually impossible to have an accurate count but I’m going to go with a WHOLE F*CKIN’ LOT (that’s a historical term…).  Most of them were his own citizens and he definitely killed anyone who stood in his way, friend  or foe.  This, coupled with the Tripartite Pact and Order #270 leaves him on my dump list.  Sorry Joe, but siding with Hitler and killing your own soldiers for surrendering and/or retreating does not put you high on any girls list, no matter how great your Vodka and caviar are.  Just because it was good enough for FDR, doesn’t mean we can forgive that horrendous tyrannical behavior even though your mustache kicks Magnum PI’s mustache’s ass.

MARRY:  I  struggle with this choice as I would either choose Winston Churchill, ’cause I like his style but his war mongering sucked, or my Grandfather, who I believe to be the greatest war hero of all time but…GROSS!  He’s my grandad…I’m just happy he married my grandmother….so, I decided that given all the evidence of who was actually a tremendous war hero/worthy life time partner I decided that my marry would be…………….

Major Richard Winters, Commander of ‘E” Company 2nd Battalion, 506th Infantry Regiment, 101st Airborne Division.  Despite his Hollywood portrayal in “Band of Brothers” as a great and wonderful man and leader, he is also, actually, a great man and leader.  I know, I know….they are hard to find.  During WWII he was involved with, and eventually led, the famous Easy Company through all of the most difficult, strategic and famous battles in Western Europe. Including, but not limited to, the Invasion of Normandy, Operation Market Garden and the taking of Berchtesgaden.  Despite his service to his country in WWII, he also chose to serve our country in the Korean War.  His valor is only supported by his humbleness, saying in an interview in the “Band of Brothers” series when he quoted a passage from a letter he received from Sergeant Mike Ranney, “‘I cherish the memories of a question my grandson asked me the other day when he said, Grandpa, were you a hero in the war?’ Grandpa said ‘No… but I served in a company of heroes…” it brings me to tears just to write it. 

Coming up next on Your Average Mom will NOT be Do, Dump or Marry the Post-War years, as I have laboring over a unit based on such a topic for so many months and I care not to talk about it ever again BUT I will instead be starting from the beginning……DO, Dump or Marry: The Founding Fathers…..sounds revolutionary, doesn’t it